full-circle. 360 degrees. “my life in cinemascope.” lately I have felt like I am in a hot air balloon watching my life in all it’s confusion and glorious intentions. drinking coffee, I think I can make it through my mountain of endlessness today. lately it’s been a full scale panorama; my life and everything in it. I increased my tegretol by 100mg on my own because, as I mentionned before, my doctor was being fussy about it and wouldn’t increase it for the sake of perhaps having more side-effects. but I’d rather have more side-effects and be stable than have less and be a raving lunatic every night around feeding time. what’s really wild is that I feel better. instead of listening to dodo-head and numbing myself with seroquel at night (and 25mg during the day people! we’re talking zombie-time), I am taking 75mg now at night (I admit 25mg more was needed on top of my 50mg because of recent stresses) and I don’t wake up totally dead. I actually wake up early like you know normal people as long as I go to bed on time and even then it’s not that hard to wake up as long a I have 8 hours sleep. if you read any article on the internet about what to do if you can’t sleep and are on these type of meds, it will say the solution is usually to tinker with the mood stabilizer and with that a regulation in sleep along with other irregular mood symptoms will follow. I should be a doctor dammit.
just yesterday I finally got a reply about a study that I inquired about. hello? do you still want to know about the study that you inquired about? um yes. of course. duh. my mood disorder has not miraculously disappeared between the time of inquiry and now. well, let me tell you about it then: wearelookingtofindtherelationbetweencertainserotoninincreasingdrugssuchas paxilandprozactothosewithirregularmoods such as violent outbursts, frequent ups and downs, self-mutilation, etc. (I swear she really spoke like that) anyways, I’m like uh huh that’s me ok continue. ok what medication are you on? umm well let’s see there’s tegretol, seroquel, and rivotril. oh. how do you spell that one? which one? tegretol? yeah. t-e-g-r-e-t-o-l. it’s a mood stabilizer. (shouldn’t she know this already? as a person doing a study for her probable doctorate, I feel compelled to doubt all others with similar degrees if this one is honestly being so dumb.) what? you can’t accept me? why? well, inordertokeepthestudyresultsasaccurteaspossibleweneedtokeepthegroupas homogeneousaswecanand you are on seroquel which is not in the same group as the other drugs I mentionned blah blah blah. oh. well, I have a friend who was previously misdiagnosed as being major depressive. now she’s been rediagnosed as being bipolar, but I think she’s taken those medications. she just got released from a hospital stay of about a year, but I think she might be interested. oh. oh I’m sorry wow that’s a long time. yes. yes it is. it’s not easy being a mentabulous mind-fuck. I mean, it’s not easy to have a mood disorder. oh okay well good luck. yes thank you good-bye.
and that was my conversation with the pansy with the proposed doctorate.
just yesterday I finally got a reply about a study that I inquired about. hello? do you still want to know about the study that you inquired about? um yes. of course. duh. my mood disorder has not miraculously disappeared between the time of inquiry and now. well, let me tell you about it then: wearelookingtofindtherelationbetweencertainserotoninincreasingdrugssuchas paxilandprozactothosewithirregularmoods such as violent outbursts, frequent ups and downs, self-mutilation, etc. (I swear she really spoke like that) anyways, I’m like uh huh that’s me ok continue. ok what medication are you on? umm well let’s see there’s tegretol, seroquel, and rivotril. oh. how do you spell that one? which one? tegretol? yeah. t-e-g-r-e-t-o-l. it’s a mood stabilizer. (shouldn’t she know this already? as a person doing a study for her probable doctorate, I feel compelled to doubt all others with similar degrees if this one is honestly being so dumb.) what? you can’t accept me? why? well, inordertokeepthestudyresultsasaccurteaspossibleweneedtokeepthegroupas homogeneousaswecanand you are on seroquel which is not in the same group as the other drugs I mentionned blah blah blah. oh. well, I have a friend who was previously misdiagnosed as being major depressive. now she’s been rediagnosed as being bipolar, but I think she’s taken those medications. she just got released from a hospital stay of about a year, but I think she might be interested. oh. oh I’m sorry wow that’s a long time. yes. yes it is. it’s not easy being a mentabulous mind-fuck. I mean, it’s not easy to have a mood disorder. oh okay well good luck. yes thank you good-bye.
and that was my conversation with the pansy with the proposed doctorate.
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